Sunday, March 11, 2007

this is how i FEEL

Two simulatenous things happened that completely threw off whatever sense of normalcy I had left here.

One, my grandpa died. It was horrible. I cried a lot and felt hopeless. I still feel like I haven't been able to mourn properly and really understand how it is affecting my family because I wasn't there. And it was Grandpa that got me into French. When I was little, he gave me kid's books in France. He took me to France a couple of years ago. He was really proud of me that I was coming here and offered to pay for my rent so I could afford it. It hurts thinking about this. My brain can't comprehend that he's dead because I had no closure to it.

And then, at the same time I came across the realization that I have fallen in love with France. I don't know where it came from, but I just began realizing that I am really happy here. I wish I could stay longer. And this feels so strangely, because everyone back home is caught up in family things, and I am caught up in it too, to a certain extent. But the reality of it is that I am far away and don't explicitly have to deal with it.

That gives me time to live my study abroad life as nothing happened, and allows me to have a solid weekend that includes but is not limited to sick bouldering gym, getting wasted face and happily embarrassing myself, italian/spanish/english/german/french dinner night. Also funky french poetry/improv slam and buying tix to A'dam. Also really off-color chocolate chip cookies because I just threw in amounts of ingredients as I saw fit and it was possibly one of the worst batches of cookies I have ever made, but everyone raved about their deliciousness. Also my library card scheme. Also ditiching class to shop with a good friend. Also the mildly obnoxious petits-enfants in for the weekend, yet their little french voices are still adorable. All these things, they make me happy, they are why I love it here. But is it wrong to feel like so?

No comments: