Saturday, October 07, 2006

Welcome Fall! Time for apple cider, carving pumpkins, blustery weather, red and orange and yellow leaves!

how to recognize a witch:
1. a REAL WITCH is certain to be wearing gloves when you first meet her. even in the summer. because she doesnt have finger nails. instead of finger nails, she has thin curvey claws, like a cat.

2. the second thing to remember is that a REAL WITCH is always bald. bald as a boiled egg. a REAL WITCH always wears a wig to hide her baldness. she wears a first class wig. and it is almost impossible to to tell a really first class wig from ordinary hair unless you give it a pull to see if it comes off.

3. look for the nose holes. witches have slightly larger nose holes than ordinary people. the rim of each nose hole is pink and curvey, like the rim of a seashell. a REAL WITCH has the most amazing sense of smell. she can actually smell out a child who is standing on the other side of the street on a pitch black night. and the cleaner you are, the more smelly you are to a witch, an absolutely clean child gives off the most ghastly scent to a witch. the point is this. when you havent washed for a week and your skin is all covered over with dirt, the quite obviously the stink waves cannot come oozing out nearly as strongly.

4. look carefully at the eyes. because the eyes of a REAL WITCH are different than yours and mine. look in the middle of each eye where there is normally a little black dot. if she is a witch, the black dot will keep changing color, and you will see fire and you will see ice dancing right in the very center of the colored dot. it will send shivers running all over your skin.

5. witches never have toes. the feet have square ends with no toes on them at all. it gives them a problem with their shoes. all ladies like to wear small rather pointed shoes, but a witch, whose feet are very wide and square at the ends, has the most awful job squeezing her feet into those horrible pointed shoes.

6. their spit is blue as a bilberry. they even use it to write with. they use those old fasioned pens that have nibs and they simply lick the nibs.

so there you are. thats about all i can tell you. none of it is very helpful. you can still never be absolutely sure whether a woman is a witch just by looking at her. but if she is wearing the gloves, if she has the large nose holes, the queer eyes and the hair that looks like it might be a wig, and if she has a blueish tinge on her teeth and walks with a slight limp - if she has all those things, then you run like mad.

- Roald Dahl

No comments: