Open Letter to the Person Sitting Next to Me at The Coffee Shop Singing to His Friend

Inspired by McSweeney’s open letters to people are entities who are unlikely to respond.

What the ef is wrong with you? People who listen to music on their computers at coffee shops bring headphones. Because it is an invasion of personal space and other people's sanity to blare your music in public. The same goes for blaring your voice. Which is not very good anyway. Also there is no variety, you are singing the same two mumbley lyrics over and over. What are you mumbling anyway? About crying? What do you have to cry about? I am the one that should be crying because you are ruining my productivity. Your coffee cup is empty, so it would be nice if you could leave now.