Why I Made For the City's Worst Parisienne

Parisien Salon published an entertaining article earlier this week on the 10 golden rules of being a parisienne. In response, I thought about all the ways I sucked at it. I could have lived there for 10 years and never been able to blend in. Here’s why.

1. I own too much Dri-Fit clothing. Parisiennes are not the sportive type. They don’t run. If I didn’t want a crowd of French guys oogling me, I had to find a secret place to stretch during my runs. Also, most parisiens were really interested to hear about my marathon training. They had never met anyone who ran marathons. In America, where everyone and their grandma does them, I get no respect.

2. I dip croissants in my soup. A teacher at my school looked at me in disbelief when I did this. She told me croissants are strictly a breakfast food only to be consumed with something sweet, such as jam or jelly. I’m sorry, it tasted good. Other food faux pas of mine included consuming the breakfast-restricted pain au chocolate and café au lait whenever I damn well pleased. And sometimes I threw a baguette on the table and didn’t pay attention to turn it right side up. OMG I’M GONNA DIE (according to French superstition).

3. I think adults should use adult forms of transportation. My bike tires are the most kiddish wheels I’ve got. This isn't cool. Neither is this. Nerds.

4. If something brings joy to my life, I shall smile. Parisiennes don’t smile (#2 on the list of what inspired this post). Unfortunately, I do. Which is why I always got hit on. Old men thought I was hitting on them. No sir, I do not find you adorable. The cute little French girl trading me a lollipop for a piece of my baguette made me smile SORRY YOU GOT CONFUSED.

5. My hair will never be dark brown or black. My hair is blondish brownish whatever. Sometimes, I entertain the idea of dying it red. Which is still not dark brown or black. I don’t have perfectly olivey European skin, so dark brown or black hair would just make me look goth.

6. My clothes are too practical or comfortable or something. I will never be able to wear a scarf as effortlessly as a parisienne can. Can you ever see me pulling off an outfit like this? And I’ve got a rule when buying skirts and dresses: pockets. Which eliminates many chic parisienne options. Oh well. I like not losing my keys.